Today was a struggle. A culmination of a lot of things that resulted in me finally feeling like I hit my threshold. I feel so physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and spiritually exhausted that I absolutely sucked as a mother today.
We've stayed up until 4 or 5am on several occasions this week trying to get into that house before Joe left for a weekend trip, (to no avail), and today when I couldn't get my over-tired (and therefore extremely grumpy and unreasonable) three year old to take nap, and when her protests woke up my peacefully sleeping one year old, I snapped. I'm pretty sure I broke every rule in the book of positive parenting (with the exception of abusing, of course).
But tonight as I poured my weary soul to the Lord in prayer, I felt so overcome with gratitude; and so humbled by guilt for being ungrateful for my blessings:
I am thankful I have children who are capable of walking out of their beds when they should be napping.
I am thankful I have daughters who have voices that can talk back to me.
I am thankful I have daughters who are resisting sleep because their minds are so active and inquisitive.
I am thankful that I am the one they are disobeying all day long, and not a caretaker.
And when I realize that I am missing these beautiful blessings because I am too wrapped up in trying to get some stupid task accomplished; and that I am viewing my children as a hindrance and burden instead of what they really are: the source of joy in my life and my purpose for living; it makes me never want to waste another day with that mindset.
I am thankful. I am thankful. I am thankful.
4 years ago
13 comments:
Oh Hillary! Every mother goes through this. If they say they haven't, they're lying. While we tear ourselves up over not being the perfect mother, they are so quick to forgive and forget. The real blessing: that you noticed what happened and poured your heart out to our loving Heavenly Father. I have, on more than one occasion, done this. It truly does make you stop and appreciate what you have! Love you girl!
oh you poor girl. i think we have all had those moments- whether it be with our kids or husbands...
jon has seen my rage a time or two!
i am sure your girls know that you love them to pieces!
Oh my dear dear Hilla, sorry life has been so hectic and crappy, but think of when the house is FINISHED, all your things are neatly placed in their correct spots, and you can have more of a routine for you and your little angels!
I hate those days when life seems to be thrown in your face all at once and you want to scream to the whole world (or your kids) to be good for hecks sake.
At least you are thankful for these unpleasant times and you are seeing the blessings you can have because of it.
I love you and I know that even on your crappiest day of being a mom, it doesn't even compare to many moms out there that don't feel guilty for being mean to thier kids....
be happy.
love you.
call me.
we need to play.
You are a great mommy for realizing how fortunate you are. What lucky little girls you have!!
You have been tried, and tried lately - of course you are thankful for things.. but would not be human if you did not get frustrated.. don't be so hard on yourself.. sometimes we just break.
This blog is very precious. Your girls are lucky to have you as their Mom.
Hillary, we have ALL been there! Remember that no one is perfect. It's how we learn and grow and as you have found, appreciate what we have. I'm so happy that amidst all the negative, your positives came shining through! Hang in there girl!
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who snaps every now and then. Sounds like you really have an excuse. That's the worst when you're just so tired that you're really not thinking straight. I almost cried reading what you are thankful for. It helps me. Thanks
So very well said!
hi. that was so sweet. I am humbled just reading it:)
miss you.
Thank you for sharing that with us. It makes me think I need to be even more understanding with my kids & makes me remeber to think twice when I get agrivated. Hang in there grly....YOU ARE A ROCKIN MOMMY !!!!!!!
I totally needed that! I feel you pain. I think you were actually talking about Liv! :)
Thanks for the reminder!
You are a great Mom! A little flare up now and again is just par for the course and it's true we've all been through it. I'm just glad you are relying on prayer to get you through the tough times. Prayer is a Mom's best friend or I guess I should say the person you're praying to is a Mom's best friend. All your hard work has paid off. The house is beautiful!!! Congratulations on a job well done. More importantly you're doing a great job raising a beautiful family.
Love you,
Mom
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